Invisible in Daytime
by M Li
Summary: He won't accept him. Maybe he can't.


Series: FFVIII  
Genre: General  
Rating: G  
Spoilers: End of game.  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square.

He won't accept him. Maybe he can't. After 17 years, even in the best of circumstances, it would be hard to believe that he has a living biological family member. No, the only parent he knows and can accept is Matron. His family centers around that Orphanage and the memories that haven't faded yet - which don't include the Headmaster, either, for that matter, since he isn't in those memories - and Rinoa. At least, Rinoa understands why he can't open himself to this bond. Just because there's a tie by blood doesn't make someone a good father or even a father at all, and Laguna Loire, no matter how earnestly he may or may not want to repair things after 17 years, is not Squall's. Squall has no father. The closest thing he can even think of as a male model for his youth is Seifer - the boy who's probably most like a blood brother, given their inability to ever get along and the undeniable impact he had in Squall's adolescence. And at this point, does it even matter? He's already become as much of a man as he perceives Laguna to have been at ten years past his present age.

The others remark on how cold his decision is with wistful looks. Like everything can be solved, all the loneliness and feelings of abandonment can be fixed, with genetics. He understands their feelings on some level. There was probably a time, though he can't recall, when he imagined his real parents and how great they would have been and how happy he would have been if they were all together as a perfect little family. But that never happened, and on top of that, he wound up becoming the kind of kid that no one would want to add to their happy little family. It's not that important now. It's the past, and he's moved away from that to form new bonds. The past doesn't matter, and at this point, having a father is just ornamental. It's just some superficial title that he doesn't care to indulge the man who didn't come back for the women that bore him (his mother?) and left him to suffocate in alienation for years with.

So the others ask, how could he accept Ellone so easily, then? She's a remnant of that past, and he can barely remember most of his childhood with her, so how can he call her 'Sis' and trust her just like that? He doesn't know why. Somehow, that early bond, the strongest one he had before Rinoa, didn't dissolve so easily. And he can't blame her for her powers, or for the pain that they brought to everyone close to her: Laguna, Raine, himself, and even her. She didn't ask for people to kidnap her. Didn't ask for Laguna to come after her. Didn't ask to be raised on the White SeeD ship. He knows that she is a weak person, letting others make most of her decisions for her, and he hates weakness, but she is still the one who he connected with first, and somehow, he can forgive her easily the way he forgives Rinoa when she criticizes Garden, or puts together another short-sighted plan (from vacation ideas to battle tactics), or messes with the papers on his desk that Xu is breathing down his neck to hurry up and sign. He can forgive her, but he can't forgive Laguna.

And he understands what she wants to say about Laguna... That he left to save her, thinking he'd be able to come right back, and by the time she got back, Raine was on the verge of having her little boy, and when she died, the villagers resented the man so much that they changed the child's surname and said he died with his mother. It would be better for the boy if he grew up without someone like that thriftless young man with a hero complex as a father. Any child of Raine's would easily be adopted by _good_ parents. And Laguna was stuck in the middle of a chorus of everyone else's wants and demands, and with nothing else to do, he let himself be carried away by the greater need. Squall can understand all of that. He's let himself be pushed along by that sense of duty and that lack of anything to hold him in life besides the need to be needed. He understands that what Laguna didn't know, he couldn't guess. After all, how could he imagine that Raine would die in childbirth in the first place? And if it's possible for the person you love so dearly to just die like that, then it's possible that your child could have died with her. He gets it well enough that he doesn't need to take up Ellone's offer to send him back to see for himself.

And then sometimes, even though she does get why he'd feel the way he does, Rinoa wonders how much it would hurt to give it a try. After all, even though he didn't - couldn't - let Seifer return to Garden, he forgave him for being brainwashed by Ultimecia. But Squall knew that Seifer had lost all vestiges of his dream, he'd let his talent chip away, and in the end, though there were things he would not forget (like those hours of torture, electric currents ripping through his nerves, his throat raw from screaming), all he could muster up for Seifer was pity and maybe some relief that Fujin and Raijin were there to keep him from losing everything. Somehow, the thought of his rival - the brother who wasn't, his role model - losing everything to drift emptily through life was... sad. His second most influential relationship, not as strong a bond as with Ellone or Rinoa, but still one of his oldest bonds: he had surpassed Seifer, the cards had all been laid on the table, and there was no reason to even want revenge. So in that way, he let the past go and forgave him. So he could forgive Seifer. Why not Laguna?

Near the smoldering last days of summer, Squall turns 18 without a word of congratulations from his friends. He had refused to tell Rinoa when his birthday was - just like he didn't need a father, he didn't need a birthday - and everyone else had a hard enough time remembering their own birthdays to try to remember when his might be. Rinoa might have questioned Matron or the Headmaster, but they were usually busy or away or away and busy, and eventually, she'd given up. Whether Seifer could remember or not, Rinoa wouldn't ask him something like that, Squall knew. She wasn't close enough to Ellone to try her either. Eventually she (and Selphie, who also decided it would be a great idea if everyone's birthdays were celebrated this year) had to give in. Thus, Squall never would have expected anyone to recall the date, especially not Laguna. And yet he did, sending a stupid card with a stupid, awkward message and a ridiculous drawing of a chocobo on the front. As Squall sits, frowning at the chocobo, which he thinks might also have been a product of Esthar's president's hand, it occurs to him that of course Laguna wouldn't forget, because the day he was born was the day Raine died. For the briefest moment, he wonders if Laguna has ever blamed him for her death, but then dismisses it as silly. He doesn't really care one way or another, if Laguna wants to hold a pointless grudge. Yet, Squall doesn't think that he would have entertained the thought. It would be easier if he could believe Laguna was that kind of person, though.

After a time, he folds the card - the chocobo cut in two, staring at its legs - and tucks it into the inner pocket of his jacket where he keeps Rinoa's Triple Triad card. Now he has lived 18 years without a paternal influence. It's not like he needs one. But for a moment, he recalls that the weapons shop in Esthar is the best, and his gunblade's trigger has been getting a little loose lately. So maybe it wouldn't be so bad to pay a visit to the city, and if he happens to run into Laguna... Maybe he'll thank him for the card. Maybe. He'll think about it.


End file.
